Welcome to our Walking Dead Power Rankings. Last week we got to check in on all of the survivors of the mid season finale. They are all broken up and out of the safety of the jail so the last half of the season should have plenty of opportunities for death. If we count the death of Lilly then Jesse has 47 points while I take the lead with 51.
(Note: Each week Jesse and I will rank the Walking Dead characters from least likely to die to most likely to die. If a character does perish then we earn points. For instance if Glenn dies this week then Jesse will have 4 points and I will have 5 points.)
Daryl- I feel like we should start reserving this space for advertisements. At least make some money off of what should be blank space. I, again, feel super safe about Daryl’s position. Mostly because the writers seem scared to death to do anything with Daryl. He did say something mean to Beth about her father and didn’t even apologize! But I am guessing the majority of the audience either, A: ignored the comment or B: said, “Yeah Beth you totally deserved that!” even though she did not deserve it.
Judith- I will admit that when Jesse ranked Judith so low last week I was a bit panicked. I mean if Little Ass Kicker really met an early death then I would be so far behind in these rankings that I couldn’t catch up. That seems pretty selfish when it comes to a dying baby but hey, I am competitive. Naturally that means that I was pretty stressed out when Demon Child (Lizzie) was suffocating the screaming baby. Since Judith made it out alive I am feeling pretty cocky in my assessment from last week and I am moving Judith UP my list. Sorry Jesse, this isn’t Game of Thrones, babies actually survive. (Is that a thing? Babies dying in Games of Thrones? I might be confusing it with something else that died when I was watching Game of Thrones, my happiness.)
Carl- We didn’t get a chance to see what Carl was pouting about this week. Perhaps his dad didn’t lend him the car or maybe he doesn’t agree with his curfew. My guess as to why we didn’t see him, is that he got his first pimple and he wouldn’t leave his room. Fortunately for Carl, he has two very capable bodyguards around him. He should be fine.
Maggie- Okay look, Maggie’s scenes were very well done and chilling. I loved seeing her face her fears and own some zombies just to find out if her husband was zombie meat. But I have to complain about how completely useless Sasha and Bob were here. They had a simple plan. Open the door, let one walker out, close the door. It worked for two walkers and then suddenly the release the entire bus. Maybe I missed something here but come on! Any how, I feel good about Maggie until she gets reunited with Glenn. And then after that, I feel even better about Maggie.
Glenn- Oh Glenny Glenny Glenn. Talk about a crazy night right? You wake up on the concrete with no memory of what happened the night before. And now you got this massive hangover and all of your friends are gone. Oh and a bunch of dead people are trying to eat your brains. Seriously if that was the plot of The Hangover 3 I might have actually considered torrenting it from the internet. Poor guy is disoriented and alone. He is ready to just give up until he remembers he is married to the only hot girl left in the world. So he picks out his best riot gear and…storms into the middle of a never ending horde of walkers. Come on Glenn, I know it is riot gear and I know that you managed to survive but seriously? Was that your best tactic? Why not just, I don’t know, walk around the walkers? They aren’t that fast after all. Their name is literally ‘Walkers’ not ‘Runners’. Ugh some people. Speaking of tactical battle errors Glenn made another one like 2 minutes later. After he found Tara chilling at the prison he created a molotov cocktail and…set a car on fire. Hey man, if this was Grand Theft Auto V: Zombie Edition that car would have blown the fuck up, killing zombies in a 100 foot radius. Instead the car kinda caught on fire. Apparently the walkers were attracted to this little camp fire and that gave enough room for their escape. But come on! Why not just throw the non exploding cocktail at the horde of walkers and burn them to (re)death? Pretty disappointing to say the least. So after narrowly avoiding two tactical mistakes, Glenn and Tara run off, but not before a third mistake is made! Let us see, if I have riot gear on and my new partner in crime has a thin plaid shirt on, who should take the lead when running into a horde of walkers? Come on Glenn! I know you are a chivalrous dude but ladies first in the zombie world only applies when you aren’t the one decked out in riot gear! Man, I should either put you in last because you obviously have a death wish, or put you in first because you clearly are meant to survive.
Rick- Speaking of men who make poor decisions, here we are at Rick. And I stand by my previous thought. If he survived the Governator and the beating he took, he should be around for awhile longer. I can’t say the same for his sanity around his brooding teenage boy.
Beth- Perhaps it is because she only spoke in song in the previous episodes but I swear Beth did not have a southern accent before. It makes sense that she does (in fact shouldn’t they all? Unless they were all vacationing in Atlanta when the walkers took over. Which if they were then I am sure they were all relieved when the walkers came around because their vacation finally got interesting…) but I just don’t recall her sounding like that. Either way Beth was actually in an episode without having a baby in her arms. I am sure that is a relief for her. Who wants to be a teen mom to a kid that isn’t your own in a zombie infested Georgia? Seriously, Carl move over, Beth should be the brooding, depressed teenager. Yes Beth finally gets to speak and have some of the attention. Unfortunately I don’t understand her at all. How can this girl go from suicidal when things are bad to straight up optimistic when things are way, way worse? I moved her up since she has the Big Ass Kicker watching her back.
Tara- It is extremely difficult to place Tara. I mean she gave a throwaway line about watching her sister die so fast that I didn’t realize it until I read a review this morning. Who knows, next episode Glenn might give Tara the same fate. “Uh, Tara just got overtaken by some walkers. Yeah don’t worry about it”. Why couldn’t they just show us that her sister died? It would have taken like, half of a second, in the mid season finale.
Michonne- Alright I have moved Michonne up and down this list. I wanted to move her up, thinking she was too badass to die. But my gut says to keep her lower. Her backstory seems to be wrapping up and I am unsure how much longer she can move around quietly killing walkers while doing nothing else. Hopefully I am wrong and she will start becoming a much more interesting character consistently.
Sasha- Poor Sasha. She reminded me of the poor schmuck who gets stuck as the designated driver on a night out. First she has to tend to her friend who injured himself. And then her other friend starts crying about her significant other and threatens to run away looking for him. Meanwhile the other friend is all giddy and happy and completely unhelpful in convincing the lovestruck friend to calm down. So now she has to make a decision on whether to go after her friend running off or just go home and go to bed. Of course she can’t live with the potential consequences of her friend running off on her own. So she reluctantly goes knowing that this cannot end well. Meanwhile the giddy friend seems like he is hitting on her. Or maybe it is just the alcohol who knows?
Bob- Seriously what is up with this guy? Does he only feel alive when he is risking his life? Maybe he is one of those tortured mind people who can only survive the tragic reality of mundane real life when they are distracted or drunk. Although I do respect his point of view. What is the point of living a survival kind of life? Why not go out in the world when the worst thing that could happen is probably the best thing that could happen. I hope he is a truly tortured and conflicted character but that seems too deep for him.
Tyreese- I feel like this episode was the audience’s punishment to Tyreese for sucking so bad. He gets stuck with the single worse group of people imaginable. Tyreese not only has to deal with Little Miss Sunshine (Mica) who is too scared to do anything but also with a screaming baby (so much screaming that I had to turn my TV down. Yeah I am probably not ready for kids yet) and on top of that he has satan’s spawn running around. With a few tweaks that could be the plot of Eddie Murphy’s next movie. It was so bad that Tyreese decided he was better off running into a horde of zombies than sticking around with these kids. Sadly I don’t think he is the world’s first babysitter to leave a gun with the children. It seems like he took some tactical lessons from Glenn when he handed the baby to the future serial killer and the gun to a girl that could barely handle her own breath. You know things are bad when he is relieved to see Carol of all people. Do I have room for one more tangent? Of course I do! I really enjoyed seeing Tyreese’s insanely long hammer as his primary weapon. He held it with the pride that Thor holds Mjolnir with!
Carol- Finally after all of these weeks Carol has been reunited with Lizzie and the gang. I have been saying that as soon as Carol comes back, she and Lizzie will be in trouble. And here we are! Did you notice that everyone (excluding Judith) from Carol’s group is at the bottom of this list? Yeah well someone is going to die and it is most likely coming from this dysfunctional family. Carol is in danger because Tyreese is still unaware of why she disappeared from camp. He will find out soon enough and the stress of raising three little girls might be too much for him and he might take it out on Carol. Or Carol might sacrifice herself for the demon child. Or the demon child might possess Carol and use her to go on a rampage until she dies. Basically things are not looking good for this family.
Lizzie- Ahh, Jesse’s disturbing wish is coming true. Lizzie is turning out to be full blown psycho. She is killing little animals for pleasure which is a cliche sign of a serial killer. She attempted suffocating a baby which is not a cliche sign of a serial killer but it definitely does not help. And she is a total bitch to her little friend Mica. Are we sure that it wasn’t Lizzie who killed Tyreese’s girlfriend? The way I see it is Lizzie will either die a dramatic death here soon or rule the zombie infested world. It is probably a coin flip at this point.
Mica- Pretty sure we have devil child’s first victim right here. If this were normal life we all know that Lizzie and Mica would not be friends. Lizzie would be bullying Mica, making her life a living hell. Mica would have no friends in high school and would barely get by. Finally in college she would be free of the evil Lizzie and she would slowly build her self esteem back up and she would go on to live a happy life. Well unfortunately for Mica this is not normal life and this will not end well for her.
- Daryl – I am not a religious man. I haven’t been to church in years and I don’t lose any sleep over that fact. A lot of people have found peace and harmony in religion, and that’s great for them. That’s why Daryl’s line in this episode, where he basically said that faith is worthless and is no use to anyone, really resonated with me. Hershel was a deeply religious man, but when he was locked in that sick ward and people that he liked and respected were choking to death on their own blood and then coming back to eat their friends, you could see him losing his faith. Now I don’t think Daryl was purposefully trying to hurt Beth so much as he thinks it’s pretty damn idiotic to hope or pray for the best outcome. In a world this shitty, how often does the best possible outcome ever occur?
- Judith – I was THAT close to gaining a sizable lead over Kevin for the rest of the season. Not that I have anything against Judith: she seems like a fairly normal baby, complete with messy diapers and temper tantrums. But damn it all, they had to go and write off Lilly and now I am losing. My big gamble completely bit me in the ass. I am glad that Judith survived though, as a fan of the show.
- Carl – See how boring it is when Kevin and I rank everyone the same? No suspense, no real chance for any lead changes and we have to take turns making sarcastic remarks about John Connor. I don’t even have anything good to say this week. Enjoy your pudding and comic books kid.
- Glenn – Either Glenn is the second coming of Mike Alstott and can barge his way through any defense to get where he wants to go or he is extremely fortunate that he isn’t dead. Seeing as not many Asian guys make it to the NFL, I’m leaning towards the latter. Seriously, what a fucking moron. I shouldn’t even be surprised; this show thrives on making people we like do extremely stupid things, thus making it very difficult to continue liking them. I honestly can’t remember the last time I actually liked Glenn, so I guess he’s been acting stupid for quite some time. Stupid enough to die? Probably not.
- Beth – Riding on this emotional roller coaster is completely exhausting. Let’s recap the journey thus far. “Rick and Shane just killed all of my family member walkers who we were keeping shacked up in the barn? Screw this, I want to kill myself. More people I knew and was close to are dead now, including the guy I was dating. That’s okay, it’s best not to get too attached anyway and I have a baby to look after. Wait, now our group is split apart, we have no where to stay and my dad was just decapitated by a one-eyed psychopath? Come on Daryl, you have to believe things will turn out alright!” Yeah, I would be kind of a dick to her too most likely.
- Michonne – There’s been a notable lack of romance between the main characters of this show ever since Shane and Andrea died. Other than the union from hell between Maggie and Glenn, none of the other characters have even attempted to make a pass at one another, unless you count Carol teasingly flirting with Daryl and making things extremely awkward between those two. Maybe it’s for the best because Shane and Andrea’s hookups always made things worse for those around them, but you have to admit that it’s strange how little romance has been incorporated. Michonne’s entire backstory centers around her dead son and boyfriend, so you would think that she would try and move on from that tragedy by finding love elsewhere. Okay, maybe not love, but not even a booty call? Biologically, it’s one of the most effective ways to blow off steam and I’d say that all of these people have an overabundance of that stored up inside them.
- Rick – Personally, I think the ship has sailed on Rick ever getting killed off, so hopefully he finds a better way to spend his time than planting corn or getting the shit kicked out of him. Oh hey, Rick you know Michonne, right? She’s great at killing walkers and shares your son’s passion for comic books. You should hang out!
- Tara – I really hope we don’t get six more episodes of Tara lamenting over her role in the attack on the prison and telling everyone how sorry she is. As far as I know, she didn’t kill anybody and The Governor was going to do that no matter what, so just get the fuck over it. And don’t you dare become depressed over the death of the girl you dated for like a month, because that’s about the only subplot the writers have given Tyreese so far and I am already pissed off over how worthless he has been. Don’t even think about it, Tara.
- Carol – Well, Carol didn’t stay away nearly as long as I thought she would. I welcome her return though; she is easily one of the most improved characters this season and nearly every scene she is in is interesting and dynamic. And like Kevin already touched on, I think it would be pretty clever if it turned out that Lizzie killed Tyreese’s girlfriend and Carol just took the blame for it so Rick wouldn’t kill the little miscreant from hell. That would make a lot more sense to me seeing as Carol never did anything that morbid before that happened and Lizzie is, well, Lizzie. Regardless of who done it, this is an explosive situation that will undoubtedly result in people getting killed.
- Lizzie – I’m taking a chance here, if only because I think it’s too soon to kill off the antichrist. With The Governor gone and the uncertainty of a new group of survivors coming into play, I think the show needs characters who pose a serious threat to our band of traumatized heroes. Nothing is more threatening than a kid who actually attempts to suffocate babies. Good lord she is terrifying.
- Tyreese – I don’t care anymore. Tyreese literally hasn’t done anything cool or memorable and I’m sick of waiting for that to happen. I’ll just keep putting him up here until he’s dead and spend as little time as possible doing it.
- Maggie – While her sister may still have faith in humanity, Maggie is barely holding it together. That seems to be the more realistic reaction to watching your father meet his grisly end, so I’m not going to be too hard on Maggie. I do believe however that if anything happens to Glenn, or if she even believes that she’ll never see him again even if he’s still alive, that will be it. Maggie will check out early and Beth will have to assume the role of hottest girl on the show. That’s not a day I think any of us are prepared for.
- Bob – Man oh man, where did this happy-go-lucky version of Bob come from? He spent all of his screen time smiling, joking with Sasha (make a move while you still can!) and trying to make the best of the overwhelmingly dismal situation he finds himself in. I’m not going to lie, the misery of this show gets a little old sometimes. It’s nice that someone at least tried to be optimistic and light-hearted, and it was really nice that that someone was Bob, a character whose defining trait to this point is that he’s an alcoholic. Of course, now that the writers actually gave the guy a personality, he is probably just around the corner from meeting his demise.
- Mica – I didn’t even know this girl’s name until last week’s episode. This could be my fault completely (admittedly, I suck at remembering names), but maybe it wasn’t worth knowing anyway. Not when little Mica’s best pal will probably wind up killing her en route to becoming the show’s greatest villain.
- Sasha – See no. 11.