Kevin likes to joke with me that we’re basically a Walking Dead blog because this is the only thing we keep up with. Everything else, whether it be movie reviews or sports articles, gets pretty much left by the wayside and before we know it The Walking Dead is already back for its next season. As much as I hate to admit it, he does have a valid point; we don’t do enough for this site and there’s really no excuse for it. I’m not going to promise that we’re going to post more. I’ve done that time and time again. What I’d rather do is let my actions speak for me and the only way to accomplish that is to actually get off my ass and write some more. We’ll see what happens, but in the meantime we do have an obligation to keep up with our Dead Rankings, and this season that comes with a catch.
You see, Kevin’s life has changed a great deal in the past couple of months. He’s now a married man and has left the country for a while in order to seek adventure and indoctrinate children from other parts of the world into thinking that Survivor and the Denver Broncos are the two greatest things in existence. Point being, there’s no guarantee how often he will be able to catch the latest episode, much less contribute to our Dead Rankings.
In the meantime, I will be forced to improvise. My half of the rankings will still make it up every week from here on out, but Kevin’s might not always make it. Without further adieu, here we go!
- Daryl – It’s been a relatively Daryl-less season so far, which is surprising considering that he’s the most beloved character on the show. I really loved his reunion with Carol though and now I’m hoping for a successful rescue of Beth this week.
- Judith – Speaking of reunions, if babies could think (and we know for certain that they can only do that in Baby Geniuses or Look Who’s Talking) Judith was probably pretty confused when she saw Rick and Carl again. “Who are these smelly guys crying and hugging me?” Again, touching moment, but unintentionally humorous. I find myself saying that a lot about this show.
- Rick – Here’s a tip for all of you survivors of the zombie apocalypse; if you happen to bump into Rick and he makes you a promise, just run away from him and don’t look back. The last guy who didn’t follow that advice wound up with a machete buried in his skull. Which, by the way, was totally awesome. Rick is a much improved character this season, albeit still very much prone to saying and doing Rick things.
- Maggie – We’re beginning to see a divide among the characters in the group. Whereas Rick, Michonne and Abraham will basically do just about anything to survive, Maggie and Glenn don’t appear to be at that point yet. Not saying it’s going to break everybody up or anything, but it will probably cause some tension down the road.
- Glenn – This may not be a popular opinion, but Glenn just bores me to death whenever he’s on screen. He used to crack jokes and make light of his situation. Now he’s just serious all the time. Come on, man. At least smile every once in a while.
- Carl – John Connor is back to doing what he does best: listening intently whenever Rick tries to tell him something and protecting Judith. I kind of miss him gallivanting around with Michonne though.
- Michonne – For those of you who played baseball as kid, you can relate to this. When I was 11, my parents bought me a brand new aluminum bat for the upcoming season. I loved that bat, but unfortunately I was a really crappy hitter. I let one of the other kids on our team borrow it and of course, he gets a hit. He brought it back to the dugout and there was a big mark on it from where it connected with the ball, and I was crushed. Maybe this was how Michonne felt when she saw Rick kill that cannibal with her machete. Or maybe she didn’t feel anything remotely close to this. It’s a pretty bad analogy.
- Beth – An unwritten law on this show is that characters die as soon as they become interesting. Beth is an exception to that rule because… okay, I don’t have a good reason. Call it a gut feeling.
- Tyreese – Have to hand it to Tyreese, he didn’t flinch when he was asked to put Bob out of his misery. I know that would be difficult for Kevin, but when it comes to me it really depends on which of my sister’s boyfriends was infected. Just sayin’.
- Abe – Great episode last week for honest Abe, and maybe I won’t have to make Sheamus jokes anymore. (Just kidding, the jokes will definitely keep coming.)
- Carol – As Jay-Z once said, “Allow me to reintroduce myself!” That song may as well have played over the entire season premier, as Carol is a completely different character than the quiet little mouse that she used to be.
- Pastor – How about that? A survivor who isn’t crazy, immoral or devious. He simply did the best he could to make it on his own, but his luck is probably running out.
- Sasha – A very well written scene between Sasha and Tyreese last week. When Tyreese told her he knew what it was like to lose somebody, it honestly took me a moment to figure out just who he was talking about. At first I felt like a dick, but then I remembered that his girlfriend was only in like two episodes. Hey, it was a complicated time in Tyreese’s life, alright?
- Tara – Not a fan of this one. She has zero motivation to do anything but what everyone else wants to do. For fuck’s sake Tara, at least make a pass at Michonne. Do something interesting!
- Rosita – I normally like to be proven right when we do these rankings (because it doesn’t happen very often), but in this case it was a big letdown that Rosita turned out to be exactly what we thought she was: a cheap tool for the writers to help young boys who watch this show get through puberty. Blah.
- Eugene – The cat’s out of the bag. They should’ve just let Abe kill Eugene, because he’ll probably get some more people killed before he kicks the bucket himself.
Bob – I love how Bob was positive right down to the end. It takes a hell of a guy to take the half-glass full approach when he’s missing a freaking leg, but Bob did just that. You will be missed.
Now I know we haven’t posted for a while. And we have missed doing these rankings for 5 weeks. But I have a good excuse. I am currently living and teaching English in Thailand and I haven’t had the time. Fortunately free WiFi is more plentiful here than clean water. So here are my rankings. Please note that I am targeting the 0.0001% of my readers that have been to Thailand as I mesh my experience with the Walking Dead.
- Judith- Look I hung out with Cambodian kids for 2 weeks. They are poor and they don’t get much to eat. But I never saw one of them eat a squirrel. Hopefully the gang found a blender along the way and are making Squirrel Baby Food. They could even find some old Gerber containers and maybe Judith would never notice the difference.
- Rick- We all know it is Rick’s show. He won’t die until the end. Let’s think about this season. It is definitely the best season thus far right? And Rick has only been a feature player in 3 out of the 5 episodes. That is 40% less Rick! I think we have found the key!
- Daryl- I am very similar to Daryl these days. Everyone likes me and I am nowhere to be found.
- Carl- Okay I lied. I have more in common with Carl. Nobody likes me and I am nowhere to be found.
- Maggie- For a while Maggie had as much screen time as the baby Maggie has in The Simpsons. Maggie is the opposite of my experience with women in Southeast Asia. She is dating the only Asian guy. Meanwhile here the Asian girls are only dating the creepy old men. So Maggie is like the creepy old man of The Walking Dead. I suck at metaphors.
- Glenn- He made a strange promise to the Red Headed Wrestler. Honestly I think he was as bored with the old group as we were.
- Michonne- The quiet assassin is like the quiet Korean lady in my class. They are both incredibly smart but like to keep to themselves. Which is fine for a student. Not so good for a TV character.
- Tyreese- Hey this guy has depth and morality and fears! I don’t have a joke. I am in shock.
- Carol- Holy crap Carol is killing it. When she exploded that tank in the first episode I was impressed. If that was a mission in Grand Theft Auto I probably would’ve died 10 times before being successful.
- Beth- So we had an episode revolving around Beth that was better than the majority of seasons 2-4. Wow. Almost as shocking as finding out that the actress that plays Beth is 29 years old! She is the Brandon Weeden of The Walking Dead!
- Abraham- Imagine being a survivor in this world. You already feel alone. Now imagine being the only person to believe that Eugene would save the world. I mean, damn, Abe has to be feeling pretty alone right now.
- Sasha- Hey no complaints. Sasha has been great and Bob brought the best out of her. But now he is gone and she is impulsive and reckless. Not good.
- Lara Croft- I used to complain that she was just eye candy and was over sexualized. Well now her claim to fame is being watched having sex by a nerd. I can’t even…
- Pastor- Look I don’t know his name. And I live in fear of Googling spoilers if I attempt to find it. Anyway I love this new character. He is unique and he still has lots of stories to tell. Which means he will be disappointing and die soon.
- Tara- For a while there I thought Tara was around just to check out Maggie. Seriously go watch her scenes this season. Every time she speaks to Maggie she has a longing look in her eye. But now she is Eugene’s defender. Which is the worst thing to be.
- Eugene- In Asia they taught me that Asian kids fear losing face. Which means they don’t want to lose the respect of their peers. Well this week Eugene lost every inch of his face. Too bad he didn’t lose his mullet with it.
RIP Bob- Dammit Bob. You led the revolution of interesting and well written black characters. Now look at the show! It is so much better. You will be missed but your legacy will live on!