Welcome back to our Walking Dead rankings! This week Kevin discusses his teenage angst on AIM, questions changing his career to a hairdresser and somehow gets a Bill Clinton joke in. Meanwhile, Jesse bids farewell to a dear friend, enjoys fantasy booking some wrestling and laments the loss of all his best material to Kevin. Remember, we are awarded points based on who dies and how highly we have that character ranked. For instance, if Glenn dies then Kevin will have five points and Jesse will have six points.
Season Score: Jesse 9, Kevin 8
Judith- See the non-apocalypse world has horrors too, Judith. Like old people and pinched cheeks and apple sauce!
Daryl- I recently did some extensive traveling in Southeast Asia. After I got back I pretty much acted like Daryl did in this episode. I was moody and antisocial and not happy to be back. I did shower though. Stop being gross Daryl.
Carl- So much Carl material this week. Here it goes…I honestly thought the girl in the window was a puberty mirage…He has just met Enid and he is already stalking her through the woods? This kid moves fast, just ask Glenn…”You don’t like me do you?” man I haven’t seen that much teenage angst towards girls since my days on AIM.
Maggie- Hey Maggie moved up the rankings this week and brought Glenn with her. I thought for a while that these two might be heading down a Romeo and Juliet existence but now they have moved to the suburbs and things are looking pretty good.
Glenn- My man Glenn! I knew you still had it in you! First you have a few good lines, “We were almost out there too long” and “No one’s impressed man!” and then you knock Aiden down and then Aiden’s mom thanks you while Maggie gives you a look of, “that’s my guy”. Call this a comeback!
Rick- Constable Rick. Has a nice ring to it huh? After Deanna made it known that Rick and her are equals Rick seemed pretty happy. Except a constable is defined as, “a peace officer with limited policing authority”. Ouch. This will not please Rick. Aside from that, Rick was badass this episode. He is on a straight path to self-destruction. Pretty soon he might be like Gareth.
Carol- I almost had a real heart attack watching Carol talk to Deanna. What do you mean you miss that sweet wonderful man?! You miss his fist in your face? Den mother?! You mean den monster? A real people person?! Maybe a real people murdering person! And then she spoke with Daryl and hinted about keeping up appearances and I understood. Carol is always keeping us on our toes.
Abraham- I’m trying to figure out what job Abraham was given. Jesse will probably guess pro wrestler. I’m going to go with lumberjack. Either way it is better than constable.
Sasha- This poor girl. Deanna says she has found a job for everyone except Rick, Michonne and Sasha. By the end Rick and Michonne are constables but Sasha? Nothing. Poor Sasha is forgotten by everyone.
Jessie- What?!? The Grimes boys both are introduced to their love interests in the same episode? Be careful Jessie, Carl killed the last woman that Rick was into. Also, who would have ever guessed that hairdresser was an apocalypse-proof career? Beauty schools really should put that in their flyers. I should reconsider my accounting career.
Enid- I have a theory about Enid. The Walking Dead producers decided they needed a love interest for CAAARL so they did some market research in the boys-teens demographic. They found that boys like comics and The Hunger Games and moodiness. Thus Enid was born. Carl finds her comic book, Carl watches her sneak out past the walls like Katniss and Carl just can’t figure her out. Great work producers!
Lara Croft- This goes in hand with my Enid theory. They did some further research and found out boys like video games and girls who don’t say much. And voila! Rosita is born!
Eugene- And the kind of boys that the producers asked? A bunch of Eugenes apparently.
Father Gabriel- I wish The Walking Dead writers had a little bit more humor. Since Father Gabriel has all but disappeared I will write what I would have liked to see during the job scene. Deanna, “we assigned everyone jobs, Glenn you will be on the scavenge team, Carol you will work in the kitchen, Father Gabriel…” the camera zooms in on the Father’s face and he gets all excited, has a big grin and, “janitor duty…” and the Father’s face drops. Come on that would have killed! I can imagine the GIF now.
Noah- Okay so Father Gab not getting his church job would be funny but it would’ve been even better if Deanna then moved onto Noah and said, “Noah I need you to gather two of every animal” in her best Morgan Freeman voice.
Tara- Breaking news everyone! Aiden remembers Tara’s name better than I do! And they just met! Good day for Tara.
Michonne- Oh Michonne you are dropping in my rankings. Your insistence on staying in Alexandria is as desperate as Andrea’s insistence on staying in Woodbury. Except Andrea was at least getting some at the time. Also you were holding the book Crime Without Punishment. Which if I were smarter I would figure out what that is supposed to mean. But I am not smarter. So I am just going to guess it means you die.
Deanna- This is my favorite new character in a long time. First of all she is a politician that looks like Hillary Clinton. I won’t lie, I’ve been secretly wishing to see Hillary Clinton on The Walking Dead for years. The best part about Deanna? How inappropriate she was towards Rick. Here are some out of context quotes I picked up on. “Do you mind if I film this?” and “Wow. I didn’t know what was under there”. Ironically those are quotes from Bill Clinton’s time in office.
Aaron- Well you and Eric sure disappeared in a hurry. Maybe that is a sign that you won’t live long.
Eric- Ditto except you also have an injured ankle so goodbye.
Aiden- I love Aiden. He is a self admitted douchebag. He is on the path of the high school jock who gets killed early in horror films. He is like the cocky guy on Survivor who has never seen Survivor. His end will be a great one to watch, just wait. Plus he said, “Pulled out some sweet ass biscuits today” which is just amazing in and out of context. I’m going to find a way to say that quote in my everyday life.
Mikey, Ron, Jessie’s husband- I grouped these three guys together because A) we have 21 people on this damn list already and B) they are as good as dead so that Rick can swoop in and have his woman.
- Judith – She is probably in more danger being among people who haven’t seen a baby in forever than she was out there in the real world. I work near a nursey and there’s nothing more frightening than people continuously doting on a baby. Judith is in for a rough stay.
- Rick – Having to say goodbye to Rick’s glorious beard was the hardest part of the show for me so far. It’s not often you see something so manly and pure survive for that long, but that beard stuck it out through thick and thin. It will be sorely missed.
- Daryl – The dude just does not mesh well with society. I’ve never seen him look so uncomfortable, and I remember when he spent a whole episode drinking moonshine with Beth. Yikes.
- Carl – Poor kid. Can kill a zombie but has no idea how to talk to a girl. You’ve still got one on me, Carl.
- Maggie – Ah yes, nothing reignites a marriage like watching your husband coldcock someone. Good for Maggie. Next thing you know, Kevin is going to deck me next time I see him so that he can impress his wife.
- Glenn – Let me get this straight: Glenn wears his guns like a cowboy AND he can kick some ass when threatened by a pompous buffoon? I knew it. He’s the Shanghai Kid.
- Carol – There is no one more dangerous on the show than Carol. No one in that town will suspect her and they’ll never see her coming. Kind of like The Mandarin in Iron Man 3, only it won’t be a colossal fucking letdown.
- Abraham – Kevin has forced me to imagine a place in the world where Sheamus is the best wrestler because he’s the only one there who’s qualified for the job. Excuse me while the wrestling fan in me goes wandering into traffic.
- Michonne – Will Michonne actually enter a love triangle to compete for Rick’s heart? Or will she just slash Jessie’s head off and say it was a stylist-related accident? Find out next week on The Walking Dead!
- Jessie – Seriously though, you could book the shit out of this: Michonne vs. Jessie with the role of Rick’s love interest on the line. Sheamus needs help to put more butts in the seats, damn it!
- Sasha – Rest in peace, Sasha’s run as an interesting character. It was fun while it lasted.
- Enid – I REALLY hope that Enid’s role is more than a traumatized survivor who will relate to Carl, seeing as he too has experienced hard times. I also hope that the Broncos will be able to keep all of their good free agents next week. Chances are I’m in for a lot of disappointment.
- Father Gabriel – Kevin may be on to something here. Remember that episode of Family Guy where everyone gets their jobs by drawing positions out of a hat? That would be perfect. Say what, you’re a Father? Thank God, we need some religion in this town, let’s hope you get the position! Ahh, too bad. Town pimp is still pretty cool though.
- Rosita – Sign no. 1 that there are WAY too many characters on this show: Rosita isn’t even one of the likeliest to die this week. Dear lord, where is a giant herd of walkers when you need one?
- Deanna – Not sure why Deanna is so trusting of all these newcomers. I’m also ticked that Kevin beat me to the Hilary Clinton comparison. I don’t want to live on this planet anymore!
- Noah – Sigh. First Clinton, now he beats me to the Noah punchline? All I’ve got is the crappy Noah joke, now. Kinda like the crappy Darren Aronofsky movie that Russell Crowe starred in last year. Russell Crowe is one of my heroes but my God, has he been letting me down lately. I’m going to go watch Cinderella Man and reminisce about the days when I was funny and he was talented.
- Aaron – Kinda weird how small a role Aaron had last week, considering he was the catalyst in getting the group to join Alexandria in the first place.
- Eugene – I wonder what his new job will be. Lawyer? Politician? Member of the Patriots? A liar would do well at any of those.
- Tara – Surely in this town, another lesbian exists. Aaron and Eric have already established the presence of diversity, so this is the best chance Tara is going to have. I’m pulling for you girl. I really am.
- Aiden – What a self-righteous prick. I think he’s great! When was the last time there was a real asshole on this show? I’m not talking about cannibals or homicidal maniacs, I mean your classic schoolyard bully. You need characters like this to get the most out of people like Glenn, as we’ve already seen. Thank you for being you, Aiden.
- Mikey, Ron, Jessie’s husband – Sign no. 2 that there are too many characters: Kevin had to remind me who Mikey and Ron were. Had no clue they even had names. As for Jessie’s husband, you really think he is worth knowing? He’ll abuse Jessie, Rick will beat him to death and then either A) She’ll be relieved and fall madly in love with Rick or B) She’ll hate him for it but Rick still has Michonne. It’s a win-win for the Constable! And yeah, I know Kevin used this same format above for these guys. Big whoop, wanna fight about it?
- Eric – Sorry dude. You are toast. And your death will send Aaron into a crazed state that will wind up being as disappointing as Sasha’s was. But that’s not your fault man.