Welcome to our third annual NFL Mock Draft! What we lack in analysis we make up for in poor attempts at humor! This year Kevin will be picking the odds and Jesse the evens. Trades are allowed and encouraged.
1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers- Jameis Winston, QB Florida St
Kevin: Finally a draft that actually has some talented QBs at the top of the board. Far more interesting than picking between two top tackles. You know what isn’t interesting? Trying to predict Jameis Winston’s off the field behavior. The first overall pick isn’t as risky as it used to be thanks to the rookie scale. So if he messes up off the field then it is what it is. But he is worth the risk. It is a good fit for Winston as he gets to throw to big ol’ Vincent Jackson and hand off to Doug Martin.
2. Tennessee Titans- Marcus Mariota, QB Oregon:
Jesse: I desperately tried to avoid slotting Mariota to the Titans here. I thought that Kevin would bite if I let him know that the Titans were interested in moving back. No dice. Then I attempted to work out a deal with one of my other teams. Nothing came to fruition. Finally, I contemplated passing on Mariota all together and taking someone else. Alas, it was futile. I do think that some team is going to trade up and get him (Cleveland reportedly already offered two first-rounders to do just that) but in this scenario, Tennessee had a chance to land their first franchise QB since Steve McNair. And they took it.
3. Jacksonville Jaguars- Leonard Williams, DE USC:
Kevin: Two years ago Jesse had the unpleasant task of drafting for the Jaguars. He predicted Gus Bradley would want to build a strong pass rush and would draft Dion Jordan. Wrong, they went with Luke Joeckel. Last season, undeterred by his failed prediction, Jesse again picked a pass rusher for the Jags with Khalil Mack. Whom they passed over for Blake Bortles.
This year I take over for the Jaguars and I am faithfully standing by Jesse’s strategy and picking Leonard Williams who, to be fair, is more of a run stopper than a pass rusher. But still, I pray the football gods allow this to happen just so I can see Jesse lose his mind.
4. Oakland Raiders- Amari Cooper, WR Alabama:
Jesse: Oh boy. Here comes three picks in a row from me. First up was the Raiders, who have a young quarterback they like in Derek Carr, a dynamic young linebacker in Khalil Mack, but hardly any playmakers on offense. James Jones? Michael Crabtree? Yikes. There’s a reason they don’t play for the Packers and 49ers anymore.
If they want to close the gap on those 30-point blowouts they suffer at the hands of the Broncos, the Raiders need to find more weapons for Carr. Cooper is as good as it gets in this draft.
5. Washington Redskins trade pick to Atlanta Falcons- Dante Fowler Jr, OLB Florida:
Jesse: The first trade in our draft occurred for two reasons: 1) Kevin really wanted to move back with Washington and 2) Atlanta’s eyes lit up when Fowler was still available. You know why? There was just one team in the league who had fewer sacks than the Falcons did last year, and that’s pretty embarrassing considering the Falcons got to play the Bucs twice.
6. New York Jets- Vic Beasley,OLB Clemson:
Jesse: Rex Ryan may be gone, but the Jets still have a hard on for top pass rushers. Beasley will team with Sheldon Richardson to give Todd Bowles’ defense an edge in front of Revis Island. I came THIS close to having the Jets trade up for Mariota, but they’ll give Geno one more shot and inevitably look for a new quarterback in next year’s draft.
7. Chicago Bears- Danny Shelton, NT Washington:
Kevin: When your team parts ways with their head coach it is like watching you friend break up with his girlfriend. You keep a close eye on her just to make sure they don’t do something crazy and to see if your friend ends up better off.
The Josh McDaniels firing was like watching your friend escape an abusive relationship. The George Karl firing was like watching your friend do something they will definitely regret. The John Fox firing was like a, “hey we tried but let’s move on” breakup.
The fire and passion just wasn’t there. The Broncos and Fox were like really close friends and had the Broncos not broken up with Fox they would have ended up marrying Fox and then they would have been stuck until they got caught cheating with their secretary.
Wow this metaphor is out of hand. Anyway, I am keeping a close eye on Fox and his new team. Because I respect him but I don’t believe we will miss him. With that in mind I feel like I know Fox and while I know he isn’t in complete control of the team, I know he is a pretty conservative guy.
So while I want our ex to do something crazy like trade up for Mariota or draft Kevin White, I also know our conservative, missionary style ex will stick to what he knows and will build his team slowly.
8. Atlanta Falcons trade pick to Washington Redskins- Brandon Scherff, G Iowa:
Kevin: If there are two things that bore me to death in the NFL they are the Washington Redskins and drafting guards. So I married the two and found a match made in heaven.
9. New York Giants- Shane Ray, DE Missouri:
Kevin: In our last mock draft I wanted to draft Odell Beckham Jr for the Giants. They needed a WR and I thought it was perfect. But then I pictured Tom Coughlin’s death glare and backed out. I ended up giving Beckham to the New York Jesters. So I was super close guys! Same stadium.
This season I wanted the Giants to grab Kevin White. But then I got a double death glare from Coughlin and backed out again. So here are the Giants drafting a much needed pass rusher.
10. St. Louis Rams- Kevin White, WR West Virginia:
Jesse: I don’t think Jeff Fisher has a death glare. He just puts his hands on his knees and shakes his head in dejection. In this case, however, he almost cracks a smile as the Giants pass on White, giving the Rams their first true no. 1 receiver since Torry Holt. They can look for offensive line help later in the draft.
11. Minnesota Vikings- Trae Waynes, CB Michigan St:
Kevin: If you have read this far you know my obsession with finding the perfect spot for Kevin White. Well here it is! Teddy Bridgewater, Adrian Peterson, Cordarelle Patterson and Kevin White! Look out NFL!
Oh wait, Jesse ruined it for me with his Rams pick. What an asshole. Why do I hang out with this guy again?
12. Cleveland Browns- Devante Parker, WR Louisville:
Jesse: With Josh Gordon suspended until 2019, the Browns need to find someone, anyone to catch passes from Josh McCown, Johnny Football, Marcus Mariota, Bernie Kosar, Tim Couch or whoever winds up playing quarterback for them this season. Parker will help open up the offense and makes the third receiver taken in the first 12 picks of this draft.
13. New Orleans Saints- Randy Gregory, OLB Nebraska:
Kevin: I was tasked with rebuilding the Saints and I have two first round picks to do it with. Too bad I didn’t have 32 because this team is straight broke. I have a weird feeling the Saints might shock everyone and trade up for a QB but I have too much on the line in this fictional draft to take a risk like that.
Instead I took a solid linebacker. The best part is that Jesse also tried to draft Gregory…at the end of the first round after he was long gone. Way to pay attention man.
14. Miami Dolphins- Todd Gurley, RB Georgia:
Jesse: In the wake of Dion Jordan’s suspension, the Dolphins need help all over the place. They need pass rushers to get after Tom Brady, they need corners to cover those scrappy New England receivers, it goes on and on. With plenty of good corners and a couple pass rushers available, I have the Dolphins taking… a running back?
Gurley is supposedly one of the best players in this draft. He might be the next Marshawn Lynch. More importantly, the best the Dolphins can do at running back is Lamar Miller and Daniel Thomas. Yuck.
15. San Francisco 49ers- Arik Armstead, DT Oregon:
Kevin: Poor Chip Jelly (not a typo), it hurts him to see his former Ducks go elsewhere. And poor Arik Armstead, it hurts him to have to go get coached by this guy.
16. Houston Texans- Bud Dupree, OLB Kentucky:
Jesse: With most of the top receivers off the board, it wouldn’t be the worst idea in the world to supplement J.J. Watt with a young pass rusher. Translation: this kid will arrive too late most of the time and watch as Watt gets the sack and makes most of the big plays.
17. San Diego Chargers- Melvin Gordon, RB Wisconsin:
Kevin: This pick screams gut feeling. And since I accurately predicted the Broncos would take Montee Ball and Ronnie Hillman in back-to-back years and I won’t let Jesse forget about it, I would say my gut is pretty damn good when it comes to drafting future disappointing running backs.
18. Kansas City Chiefs- Andrus Peat, T Stanford:
Jesse: The Chiefs just went through a season without a single touchdown reception from one of their wide receivers, so they definitely need to try and fix that here, right? Wrong! Andy Reid doesn’t care about wide receivers, friends. T.O. and DeSean Jackson are the only two star receivers he’s ever had, and he’s not about to change his ways now. One thing Andy Reid does care about are fat offensive lineman. Loves ’em. With former top overall pick Eric Fisher still struggling, the Chiefs pick up another tackle to give themselves more options up front. And because it’s just what Andy does.
19. Cleveland Browns- Malcom Brown, DT Texas:
Kevin: Did I draft a guy named Malcom Brown who was once coached by Mack Brown to the Cleveland Browns? Yes I did.
20. Philadelphia Eagles- Landon Collins, SS Alabama:
Jesse: I know, I know. Here I was, in control of the Titans and the Eagles, and I didn’t have Chip Kelly trade up for Mariota? What am I, crazier than Chip? In all seriousness, I have no idea what the Eagles are going to do. I have them acting somewhat sensibly here, taking the top player available at a position of need. But I don’t feel good about it at all. I also don’t believe they will actually trade up for Mariota, because that’s what everyone expects them to try and do. Who knows? I certainly don’t.
21. Cincinnati Bengals- Jalen Collins, CB LSU:
Kevin: I apologize to all Cincinnati fans. For what? Well just in general mostly because they are Bengals fans and Andy Dalton. But mostly because I have no clue what the Bengals would do here. No one seems to have a clue. But Jesse picked a Collins for the Eagles and everyone wants to be the Eagles these days so I gave the Bengals a guy named Collins. Real, serious analysis right? This is why you are here right?
22. Pittsburgh Steelers- Kevin Johnson, CB Wake Forest
Jesse: With Ike Taylor and Troy Polamalu both retired after about 50 years with the Steelers, it’s about time for Pittsburgh to start rebuilding that secondary. I was horrified that this would be Kevin’s pick, but then he somehow pulled out another guy named Collins instead. Is Kerry Collins part of this draft, too? Todd Collins, anybody?
23. Detroit Lions- La’El Collins, T LSU:
Kevin: I have a two year track record of being wrong about the Lions’ picks. Why try and break a streak like that? (Update: apparently La’El’s stock is dropping because of some ongoing murder investigation, he is not a suspect, but it doesn’t look good for my pick)
And while we are here, let’s talk about Adrian Peterson. I have mostly stayed away from his drama because I don’t care. But I am aware he kinda, maybe wants out of Minnesota because the color purple makes him beat children or something like that? Anyway he is rumored to go to the Cowboys among others. Am I the only one who wants him to go to the Lions? Imagine him crossing the division lines and giving the Vikings some Favre karma. Imagine him trying to pick up where Barry Sanders left off years ago. Imagine him playing with Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson.
It will never happen.
24. Arizona Cardinals- D.J. Humphries, T Florida:
Jesse: If you’re a Cardinals fan, you have awful nightmares of Ryan Lindley trying to win a playoff game for you last year. You don’t have to thank me, I was happy to bring that up again. Anyway, you know how you prevent that from happening next year? You fix your offensive line so Carson Palmer and Drew Stanton don’t get killed again, that’s how!
25. Carolina Panthers- Ereck Flowers, T Miami:
Kevin: Does the NFC South make anybody else sad? Like really, really sad? All four teams have so many holes to fill. Can we have a league contraction and merge these four teams into two? Imagine Cam Newton fighting with Jameis Winston for the starting job of the Carolina Bay Panthaneers? Or an aging Drew Brees trying to beat out a young Matt Ryan on the New Atlanta Falaints?
Wait this is supposed to be about Ereck Flowers. But he is a tackle and is therefore extremely boring. Maybe he should change his name to Erect Flowers and then I would have some material to work with!
26. Baltimore Ravens- Phillip Dorsett, WR Miami:
Jesse: Steve Smith was a great pickup last year, but he’s pretty old. Torrey Smith doesn’t play there anymore (he will also never, ever play for my fantasy team again). Dorsett can help rectify Baltimore’s lack of depth at receiver, and hey, he scored a touchdown every 3.6 times he caught a pass last year at Miami. That’s right, some actual statistical analysis. Betcha didn’t see that coming, did ya?
27. Dallas Cowboys- Byron Jones, CB UCONN:
Kevin: The Dallas Cowboys are dead to me. Last season they had the chance to screw everything up and draft Johnny Manziel. Instead they pass and now look at them. A pick late in the draft after a successful season. What? Way to take the fun out of cheering against you guys.
They end up picking a corner because they always seem to need corners.
28. Denver Broncos- Cameron Erving, C Florida St:
Jesse: Kevin broke my heart a bit when he picked up Shane Ray and Randy Gregory earlier in this draft, two guys who have top-10 talent and could fall to the Broncos due to off the field issues. That being said, Erving being available at this point is a godsend for Peyton Manning. This guy would fortify the interior of the Broncos’ offensive line and rectify so many of the issues up front that plagued them last year. Plus, he’s a perfect fit for Gary Kubiak’s zone-blocking scheme.
So it’s almost definitely not going to happen. If Elway wants Erving, he’s gonna have to trade up to get him.
29. Indianapolis Colts- Eddie Goldman, DT Florida St:
Kevin: Hey remember when the Colts beat the Broncos because the coaches laid down a ginormous goose egg while flipping off the fans in Denver and running away to new teams? Maybe that was all some insanely intricate conspiracy to get back at Elway for abandoning the Colts when they were in Baltimore. I’m going to do some research and probably come back with a 2000 word post about how Jack Del Rio was a giant mole.
Anyway, the Colts are good but far from perfect and a nice DT will do a lot to shore up their line.
30. Green Bay Packers- Marcus Peters, CB Washington:
Jesse: If I’m a Packers fan, I’m less concerned with whether this guy can lock down receivers and more worried about whether he can play on the hands team for onside kicks. Ouch, too soon?
31. New Orleans Saints- Nelson Agholor, WR USC:
Kevin: After taking a LB for the Saints earlier I knew I was aiming for a WR here. I almost picked Dorial Green-Beckham but he seems to be falling. I would have picked Devin Smith but I refuse to even imaginarily draft a guy associated with
THE Ohio St University.
32. New England Patriots- Devin Smith, WR Ohio St:
Jesse: Kevin hates the Patriots. Kevin hates the Buckeyes. I didn’t need any other reason to make this pick, those two were plenty. And come on, you want me to actually try and predict who Bill Belichick will take? IF he even takes anybody. He’ll probably just trade down again.
Kevin’s Edit: You sick bastard