Welcome back to Pegboards’ Walking Dead Death Rankings!
As a reminder every week Jesse and Kevin will provide rankings based on who they think will die next. The further down the list, the more likely they are to die. They get points based on where the character is on our list. For instance, if Rick dies this week then Kevin will have four points and Jesse will have two points.
This week Kevin names Rick and Michonne’s kids. Meanwhile Jesse creates the “Rick System”.
Click here to catch up on our previous hilarious insights.
Click below to see our score. Warning: TV spoilers start now (no comic spoilers):
Season Score: Jesse 50 Kevin 50
- Judith- Damn is this little girl going to have mommy issues or what?
- Daryl- Disclaimer: this entry is sponsored by our good friends at Orange Crush. Have a thirst to kill some walkers? Crush it with Orange Crush! Going on a bromance road trip? Crush the Crush! Ditching Jesus on the side of the road? Throw a can of Orange Crush at his ass! #OrangeCrush #CrushCrushCrush
- Maggie- Asking a teenager why they aren’t helping around camp is pretty dumb. She’s a teenager Maggie, of course she’s going to avoid doing as much work as possible and stay inside all day. I’m 26 years old and I still do that! You have a lot to learn about raising kids.
- Rick- Look…I mean…Let’s just…You know…Alright…No really, I could go a thousand ways with Rick this week. I’m going to attempt to keep this simple. His scenes with Michonne this episode were like the shitty epilogues at the end of Harry Potter and The Hunger Games. I fully expect Michonne and Rick to have three kids and to name them Andrea Beth Grimes, Tyreese Shane Grimes and Hershel Katana Grimes.
- Carol- I was wondering why Carol wasn’t in this episode. And then I realized, there are no children left for Carol to mind fuck. So what else is there for her to do?
- Carl- Glad to see Carl keeping his eye on the prize with Enid. Seriously I foresee an eye pun here for Carl for the rest of this season. Get used to it.
- Michonne- Look I wanted to give your future Ricklets your last name. Or at least a hyphen. But much like your taste in men, you don’t have one. Seriously, I googled it and no last name. I guess the writers just like to half-ass everything with Michonne.
- Morgan- Uh oh Morgan, some guy named Jesus just showed up. Is he going to take your mantle as the peaceful guy who believes in redemption? Is this a start of a Philosophical Cold War? There can only be one wise and all knowing character.
- Sasha- So Sasha is digging the orange (crush) stash man and Michonne is digging the bearded lunatic. You two are beautiful and strong women and you can both do better.
- Abraham- Sasha and Abe went on a half season long road trip and accomplished…getting rocket launcher? While Daryl and Rick went on an episode long road trip, found a sweet stash of goods, got robbed by Jesus, drank some Orange Crush, tracked Jesus down and counter robber him, drank some Orange Crush and then lost the stash of goods before coming home and banging Michonne. That’s how you do a road trip guys. Jesus, Orange Crush and banging babes.
- Rosita- If the episode doesn’t even bother to show her do I have to bother to write something about her?
- Tara- We are all so happy for you. You found Denise, and you love Orange Crush. And dare I say your crush tried to get you Orange Crush but was crushed to find out that Daryl and Rick crushed it all? So sorry.
- Jesus- Here I am, writing an entry about why I think Jesus is going to die on a TV show. What am I doing with my life?
- Glenn- I hate to break this to you but when you die Maggie is probably going to be crushing through a bunch of guys just like Rick is crushing through a bunch of girls. In fact Rick will probably wait a total of three days before he makes the move on Maggie.
- Enid- You want to go to the woods, you don’t want to go to the woods. You want to help rebuild your home, you don’t want to help rebuild your home. Hey it looks like the writers finally nailed what it’s like to be a teenager!
- Eugene- You have been designated to gate opener and grocery list provider. Actually this was probably your best case scenario right?
- Denise- Orange you glad I’m not making another Orange Crush joke here? Crushed It
- Aaron- Right now I’m considering replacing you with Spencer on this list. I’ve gone back and forth between you two trying to figure out who is going to be an important character and who is going to die. Apparently the answer is neither of you.
- Father Gabriel- So a bro named Jesus shows up. At the very least he’s going to give Gabe something to do right?
- Judith – If this were a movie, we would skip forward six or seven years and see the tension that has developed between Judith and stepmom Michonne. “You’re not my real mom!” It would be glorious. But this is The Walking Dead. We never get to skip forward and have to watch everything. Every. Freaking. Thing.
- Rick – Nice going Rick. Wait until Jessie is dead and out of the picture and THEN make your move on Michonne. And hey, Jessie’s kids aren’t around either, so there’s no one to judge you. The guys from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia would be proud. We’ll just call this “The Rick System” from now on.
- Daryl – Really Daryl? Firecrackers? You fell for Firecrackers? All that soda is going to your head man.
- John Connor Carl – You may be on to something here Carl. There’s no way that Enid can resist you if you start acting moody and like you don’t give a shit.
- Morgan – I love how even though you are part of the regular cast now, you still only appear in an episode or two every season. It’s like you showing up and reuniting with Rick (even though it took us four seasons to get to that point) wasn’t that big of a deal.
- Maggie – I could be wrong, but there was no dramatic reunion between Glenn and Maggie. WHAT IS HAPPENING?!!
- Glenn – Was Glenn in the last episode? I can’t really remember. I still haven’t gotten over the fact that the writers faked his death for shock value, in a show where no major character ever dies anymore.
- Carol – Two episodes in and hardly any Carol sightings. Are you trying to get me to quit you, Walking Dead? Because I want to. Kevin won’t let me though.
- Abraham – Sheamus had to skip the show this week because he had a main event match against Roman Reigns to prepare for. A match that did nothing for Sheamus and was instead used to elevate the Reigns/Triple H feud. Because that’s all that Sheamus is good for nowadays, and they gave him the Money in the Bank briefcase because… why?
- Michonne – This is Michonne’s first romance on the show (other than flashbacks), so it should be a big deal. But it’s with Rick so already none of us are really buying it. And Michonne had to know there was something going on between Rick and Jessie, but like all of the other plotholes that they’ve created, the writers are asking us to overlook that and move on. If I pulled that crap in my Advanced Writing class, my peers would ridicule me to no end.
- Denise – I can’t even use my own joke about you anymore. It’s tired and played out.
- Jesus – This guy could turn out to be a compelling person. He knows kung fu and is adept at escaping from traps and such. Or he could wind up being utterly forgettable like most of the people on this list. Hence the reason why I asked Kevin if I could just talk about the real Jesus instead, which would be a better use of my time in the long run.
- Enid – As Kevin pointed out, this is currently the only character on this show who is written well. We’re in trouble people.
- Rosita – No you were not in the last episode. No, I didn’t notice. Nice try though.
- Aaron – Hey man, remember when you got to go on recruiting trips and scout and connect with people? Those were the good ol days, huh?
- Eugene – I honestly can’t remember who was in the last episode and who wasn’t. Did Eugene do anything stupid? No, that wasn’t a serious question.
- Sasha – Now that the Rick/Michonne/Jessie love triangle is dead and gone, does this mean we’ll get the Abraham/Rosita/Sasha love triangle? Because that just sounds awful and I need to know how drunk I need to be to get through the rest of this season.
- Tara – Still hanging in there despite no one really liking you. Tara is the Andre Caldwell of this show.
- Father Gabriel – Things worked out pretty well for you, didn’t they? Despite trying to throw Rick’s group under the bus and not finding your courage until the fight was pretty much in hand, now you get to restart your church and do what you love. Because you’re the only priest around and everyone will still come to you no matter what.