Welcome back to Pegboards’ Walking Dead Death Rankings!
Every week Jesse and Kevin will provide rankings based on who they think will die next. The further down the list, the more likely they are to die. They get points based on where the character is on our list. For instance, if Rick dies this week then Kevin will have four points and Jesse will have two points.
This week Kevin…bitches…a lot. Meanwhile Jesse
Click here to catch up on our previous hilarious insights.
Click below to see our score. Warning: TV spoilers start now (no comic spoilers):
Season Score: Jesse 50 Kevin 50
- Judith- I’m not even going to talk about Judith here. I’m just going to complain that no one died in the last episode despite going to war with crazy men! How is that possible and why does this show hate this column so much?
- Daryl- Daryl was at his best this week, kicking ass and not saying a word.
- Maggie- You were taught how to be a politician from Diana. And yet you seem to have this weird ass belief that you have to join the fight that you feel like you caused. Did you learn nothing? Politicians never have to live with the consequences of their decisions girl! Get it together.
- Rick- The random dude that called you savage had a killer mic drop walk off. Seriously that was my favorite Rick moment in years.
- Carol- Hey remember that time that the Walking Dead turned into Friends and decided to have everyone start banging everyone? Michonne and Rick and now Carol and…I don’t know…the dude that has been at Alexandria but hasn’t ever really done anything. Come on Carol, Daryl and Morgan would’ve been much better options to give your beet cookies to.
- Carl- Did anyone catch a glimpse of Carl this week?
- Michonne- I like how Glenn is struggling to cope with killing people while Michonne is killing people with one hand and covering a yawn with the other hand.
- Morgan- I guess I don’t understand why Morgan is sticking around. Obviously these people don’t share you point of view, why did he ever leave the cabin in the woods?
- Sasha- My boss recently told me, “men will leave you the same way you got them. If they cheated on their girlfriend with you then they will probably cheat with another girl when you’re their girlfriend.” Yeah not exactly appropriate advice in the corporate world but it makes sense right? What I’m saying is, Sasha needs to be wary of any new females that come into the group because Abraham is a douche.
- Abraham- I feel like I missed something, I understand that Abe wants the new, shiny girl but why did he have to be so mean to Rosita? It’s not her fault that she has overstayed her welcome!
- Rosita- Girl you can do much much better than Abe. And don’t even think about Eugene. Please. Just run away with Morgan and find a better, more peaceful community with men who won’t treat you that way.
- Jesus- And another save by Jesus! The crowd goes wild!
- Enid- I really hope that Carl writes Enid a Valentine someday that says “Eye Love You”.
- Eugene- Is Eugene on the Walking Dead or is he on the Big Bang Theory? I could practically hear the fake audience laugh track when he was standing awkwardly at the door after watching Abe and Rosita fight.
- Denise- Tara loves you. At least someone does?
- Aaron- Are. You. Kidding. Me?? I gave Aaron an ultimatum last week. I said that Aaron is off this list unless he makes an appearance this episode. And he did! Dammit man, go away.
- Tara- She finally told Denise that she loved her! Did I say finally? I meant, what the fuck?
- Father Gabriel- Hey would you look at that, Gabe’s 3 season arc of his morality finally came to a conclusion. He killed a man! Yay?
- Gregory- Jesse told me to include you on the rankings last week. I can’t begin to express my regrets on this one. I was hoping you would be a quick death. Then I remembered, this show never has a quick death.
- Glenn- Oh man Glenn, you are so so screwed. Your wife agreed to this war and now they have her captured. You are walking dead into a trap.
- Judith – I’m really looking forward to Glenn and Maggie’s kid being born so that we can talk about two babies a week instead of just one. *Sarcasm*
- Rick – Kevin wants to know why Morgan is sticking around. More importantly, why does Rick even want him around? He doesn’t value his opinions and they never really even talk. Granted, trying to negotiate with a bunch of maniacs seldom goes well, but still.
- Daryl – Was it Daryl who judo tackled that guy at the end and started beating the shit out of him? I mean, that sounds like something that Daryl would do, I just wasn’t paying close attention because I was focused on my computer. It’s the only way I can make it through this show anymore, because drinking at 10:00 am (when I watch it on my DVR) just doesn’t seem like a great idea. And that’s where I’m at.
- John Connor Carl – Carl went from being left behind to being left out of the episode. And they were even back in Alexandria for awhile! Harsh.
- Morgan – Pssh. Negotiate, Morgan? Thanks for the input, now go sit in the corner, nerd.
- Maggie – Get used to this scenario: Maggie constantly in danger because she’s pregnant.
- Glenn – Are we sure that Glenn has never killed a person before? Not even by accident? Almost six seasons of this God forsaken show, and not one living person has died at Glenn’s hand? I find this incredibly hard to believe. Next thing I know, you’ll be telling me that Denise and Tara are in love or something stupid like that…
- Carol – That’s what you get for hanging out with Maggie and hooking up with guys who have very little screen time, Carol. Caught in a stupid trap.
- Abraham – I forget why Sheamus said he was leaving, other than having something to do with shit being brown. In his defense, the WWE Network special event, “Roadblock,” is on tonight. Maybe he has a match? That would be way more surprising than if Abe wandered back to the group someday.
- Michonne – I couldn’t tell if Michonne was trying to have a meaningful conversation with Rick or if she was just shootin’ the shit. That’s about par for the course on this show.
- Denise – Oh come on! I’m with Kevin. What the fuck?
- Jesus – I have nothing against Jesus. He sounded like a pretty swell guy, I just have doubts about him being the son of God and all. Oh wait, you mean Jesus on this show? Sorry, although Kevin did say I could talk about the real Jesus if I wanted to.
- Enid – Don’t tell Kevin, but there are already some pretty sweet Walking Dead valentines.
- Rosita – You should really hang out with Daryl more, Rosita. He probably won’t treat you any better than Abe does, but he’s never, ever going to leave. Like ever.
- Aaron – What are the betting odds that we don’t see Aaron again for the rest of the season? Someone who gambles a lot needs to tell me.
- Eugene – Here is a good example of a character that should’ve been killed off a long time ago, but they decided to keep him around and use him for comedy, because they have no clue what else to do with him. This happens to wrestlers in WWE ALL THE TIME, which is yet another reason I think that Vince McMahon secretly books this show.
- Sasha – Take a good look at Rosita, Sasha. That’s what you have to look forward to. Where the hell is Bob when you need him?
- Tara – I’m sorry, I hate to be that guy, but has Tara put on a ton of weight this season? Because she looks a lot heavier than she used to. I’m sorry. I’ll go work on my apology for next week.
- Father Gabriel – So now the father is going all “Book of Eli” on us? I mean, that’s fine. Better than whatever the hell he was doing before. But why did it take over a year to get to that point? Seriously.
- Gregory – If you don’t die before the season is over, Kevin is probably going to kill me for suggesting that we add you. That will be the last bad idea I ever had and that just sounds awful. So please, just die already.