Power Ranking Ramblings: Week 5

Wanna know the hardest part about running a blog for free? Trying to squeeze in time for writing in between the rest of your life. We aren’t always that good at that, but hey, here are the rankings for week 5. Better late than never.

http://www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/id/17704994/nfl-2016-week-5-power-rankings-denver-broncos-seattle-seahawks-pittsburgh-steelers

Our rankings are after the jump. You didn’t think we were THAT lazy, did you?

  1. Denver Broncos, 4-0 (Last ranked 1) Jesse – I refuse to believe that ESPN is finally starting to give the Broncos the respect that they deserve. This is nothing more than a rouse designed to jinx the champs and help Seattle or Pittsburgh or New England. That’s all it is.
  2. Seattle Seahawks, 3-1 (LR: 3) Kevin – Sure the Seahawks have allowed less than 18 points per game but that was against the Dolphins, Rams, Niners and Jets. A big list of eh.
  3. Pittsburgh Steelers, 3-1 (LR: 9) Jesse – Did you forget that the Steelers got blown out by the Eagles just two weeks ago, ESPN? What are they doing in the top five? Trust me, crushing the Chiefs is not much of an achievement, though it was definitely amusing.
  4. New England Patriots, 3-1 (LR: 2) Kevin – The Pats get shut out. Against the Bills. At home. And ESPN drops them 2 spots. The Broncos would have been kicked out of the rankings if that had happened to them.
  5. Minnesota Vikings, 4-0 (LR: 4) Jesse – You guys are kidding me, right? Minnesota stays undefeated and moves down? I don’t understand it. Do you just hate Sam Bradford? Did you lose a bunch of money over the years betting that he’d make it through the season healthy? Whatever the reason, I’m getting kind of tired of having to come in here and defend the Vikings every week. If I get beat up by a bunch of Packers fans, it’s on you, ESPN.
  6. Green Bay Packers, 2-1 (LR: 6) Kevin – The Packers didn’t play last week so they didn’t move, so I really have nothing to say here.
  7. Philadelphia Eagles, 3-0 (LR: 7) Jesse – As Kevin noted last week, the Eagles are still technically 3*-0. The win against the Steelers remains impressive but we’ve all seen how good Cleveland and Chicago are. And by how good, I mean that they’ve started the season a combined 1-7 and the lone win was for the Bears against the Lions. Because the Lions manage to screw everything up (as Kevin also pointed out).
  8. Atlanta Falcons, 3-1 (LR: 18) Kevin – Damn the Falcons are lighting up defenses. I would really hate to play them next…Shit…
  9. Oakland Raiders, 3-1 (LR: 14) Jesse – “The Raiders haven’t been 3-1 or better through four games since the 2002 season, which also happens to be their last Super Bowl appearance.” See, I told you that this shit would happen. One 3-1 start and ESPN is mentioning Oakland and Super Bowl in the same sentence. I can do that too. How about we don’t start putting Oakland in the Super Bowl until they win more than nine games, which they also haven’t done since 2002, mkay?
  10. Cincinnati Bengals, 2-2 (LR: 13) Kevin – The Bengals are definitely the best bad team right? They beat the Jets and the Dolphins but lose to the Steelers and the Broncos. Enjoy the mediocrity Cincy.
  11. Dallas Cowboys, 3-1 (LR: 11) Jesse – Without looking, I’m trying to remember who the Cowboys beat last week. Was it the Redskins? Nah, that was the week before. Cleveland? No, that’s who the Redskins beat. I really can’t remember, which doesn’t say much for who their opponent was. And it wasn’t good enough to receive a bump in the rankings. Maybe next week, Dallas. Maybe next week.
  12. New York Giants, 2-2 (LR: 15) Kevin – ESPN found a new punching bag recently. In Odell Beckham Jr. Seriously ESPN was on in the gym the other day and it was just a cycle of footage of OBJ while a bunch of white people shook their head in disgust over his actions. He even got a shout out in the rankings this week for his lack of touchdowns. I’m already sick of this.
  13. Houston Texans, 3-1 (LR: 16) Jesse – Because they play in the AFC South, the Texans will win enough games to stay on top of their division and in the upper half of these rankings. But come on, they could barely beat the Titans last week. How good could they be? I mean, I know ESPN had really high expectations for the Titans this year, but the rest of us didn’t.
  14. Baltimore Ravens, 3-1 (LR: 10) Kevin – Ugh you had to lose to the Raiders didn’t you? And now all the damn Raiders fans feel like they have arrived. I hate anything that brings Raiders fans joy.
  15. Carolina Panthers, 1-3 (LR: 8) Jesse – It must’ve been really hard for the unbiased folks who make these rankings to drop the Panthers so far. Thankfully for them, the Seahawks are almost at the top, so at least one of the bandwagons is pulling through, right guys?
  16. Los Angeles Rams, 3-1 (LR: 24) Kevin – The Rams are struggling through another season of sub .500 football. Oh wait, that’s not true. They are two games above .500! Two! Damn the Rams move to Hollywood and forgot their roots so quick. They changed man.
  17. Arizona Cardinals, 2-3 (LR: 5) Jesse – So the Cardinals turned the ball over five times last week, which gives them at least 72 turnovers for the season. Now check this out. “You’d have to go back to 1992, when they were called the Phoenix Cardinals, to find the last instance of back-to-back five-turnover games for the franchise.” I demand that we all refer to them as the Phoenix Cardinals until they have a winning record or until Carson Palmer returns from his injury and stops channeling his inner-Jake Delhomme. Whichever comes first. (Author’s note: the win against San Francisco is just one step. They are still the Phoenix Cardinals)
  18. Kansas City Chiefs, 2-2 (LR: 12) Kevin – It’s okay to lose to the Steelers. It’s not okay to lose by 29 points to anyone. Luckily for the Chiefs Jamaal Charles is coming back for three games before he blows up his knee.
  19. Washington Redskins, 2-2 (LR: 20) Jesse – Sorry Redskins, I guess beating the Browns wasn’t worth a bump to the top 16 after all. And call me selfish, but as long as Jordan Reed keeps doing well, I don’t care how you guys do against the Ravens this weekend.
  20. Buffalo Bills, 2-2 (LR: 22) Kevin – After I saw the Bills placement I called Jesse and asked to quit Pegboards. He wouldn’t let me. Something about having some incriminating photos of me. Anyway the Bills defeated the Patriots in New England and shut them out. Again, the Bills shut out the Pats in New England. Look I don’t care if the Patriots are starting Cody Hawkins at QB. If you beat the Pats at home and shut them out you deserve to move up more than two spots to number 20. The damn writer even gave the Bills credit for shaking things up after a rough start to the season and coming back to beat the #17 and #4 teams on this list! But yeah sure, 20th best team, whatever.
  21. New York Jets, 1-3 (LR: 19) Jesse – It goes to show how desperate teams are for quarterbacks when the Jets spent the whole offseason trying to find middle ground with Ryan freaking Fitzpatrick. You know, the guy who has thrown more picks than Palmer and Brick Osweiler. Don’t worry Jets fans, Christian Hackenberg is definitely going to pan out, right?
  22. San Diego Chargers, 1-3 (LR: 21) Kevin – “The Chargers have led in the fourth quarter in each of their three losses this season”. The Chargers can’t finish. I bet Philip Rivers’ wife wished he had that problem in the bedroom.
  23. Jacksonville Jaguars, 1-3 (LR: 29) Jesse – Sorry, I’m still cracking up about Kevin’s joke about Rivers. Just give me a minute… phew, okay, so who am I supposed to be talking about? The Jaguars? Well, I’ll say this for the Jags: they’re the only team that plays better in London than they do in America.
  24. New Orleans Saints, 1-3 (LR: 27) Kevin – Sorry Saints fans, your highlight of this season is destined to be Drew Brees defeating his old team in San Diego.
  25. Detroit Lions, 1-3 (LR: 17) Jesse – *Sigh.* Lions, what are we going to do with you? I can’t even look at you guys. Just go sit in the corner for the next week.
  26. Indianapolis Colts, 1-3 (LR: 23) Kevin – Apparently Andrew Luck leads the league in sacks received. I really wish the Colts would invest in their offensive line more. It would be nice if the next franchise QB they give us isn’t coming off four neck surgeries.
  27. Tennessee Titans, 1-3 (LR: 26) Jesse – Alright, see these are the Titans that I was expecting to see. ESPN is a little worried about Marcus Mariota, but don’t worry. Josh McDaniels will be available next year and we know he’s the man when it comes to working with young quarterbacks, right?
  28. Chicago Bears, 1-3 (LR: 31) Kevin – Last week I declared that the only win the Bears would get this season would be over the Lions because the Lions have to defend their worst record title. Nailed it.
  29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers, 1-3 (LR: 28) Jesse – Honestly Tampa, I was expecting a much tougher game out of you guys. You even used your best defense and sprung a two-hour weather delay on us (thank you Bill Barnwell). Maybe you deserve to be this low, but at least you’re not the lowest ranked Florida team.
  30. Miami Dolphins, 1-3 (LR: 25) Kevin – This week in the NFL the 27th ranked Titans play the 30th ranked Dolphins. Please everyone, skip this game.
  31. San Francisco 49ers, 1-4 (LR: 30) Jesse – Ah ha! It was the 49ers who played the Cowboys last week. They lost that game and lost again on Thursday to good ol’ Phoenix. I think people in San Francisco wish they could forget about their team too.
  32. Cleveland Browns, 0-4 (LR: 32) Kevin – I was lucky enough to go to game one of the ALDS between the Indians and the Red Sox. During the game, my Cleveland friend explained to me that this is the best year ever for Cleveland sports. He said, “The Cavs won the title, the Indians are in the playoffs and the Browns have been in every game this season.” Yes, the Browns showing up during their 0-4 record is the same level as an NBA championship and MLB playoffs in this city.

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