Power Ranking Ramblings: Week 10

Whatever your thoughts on the election, we can all agree that our Power Ranking Ramblings are always a good time, right? By that I mean that Kevin and I always have a good time writing them. Whether anyone other than us is entertained is a mystery. Nevertheless, here are ESPN’s Power Rankings…

http://www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/id/17993973/nfl-2016-week-10-power-rankings-new-england-patriots-oakland-raiders-dallas-cowboys

…and here are our ramblings. Our hilarious, insightful and relevant ramblings.

  1. New England Patriots, 7-1 (Last ranked 1) Kevin – The Pats are #1, the Raiders are #3 and Donald Trump is president. Can I call in sick until all three of these things are over?
  2. Dallas Cowboys, 7-1 (LR: 2) Jesse – New England, Dallas and Oakland in the top three? All with seven wins? How depressing. I’m just going to remind everyone that the Broncos won the Super Bowl this year.
  3. Oakland Raiders, 7-2 (LR: 6) Kevin – Last week I feared a world where the Raiders were ranked in the top 5. But instead they are in the top 3. Why is this happening?
  4. Seattle Seahawks, 5-2-1 (LR: 4) Jesse – Seattle home games and calls that benefit them. They go together like turkey and stuffing or ice cream and apple pie. Except two of those combos leave you full and satisfied and the other one leaves you shaking your head and wondering what else is on TV. But hey, don’t worry about your sagging ratings, NFL. I’m sure they will bounce back soon.
  5. Atlanta Falcons, 6-3 (LR: 9) Kevin – Jesse spent a good 10 minutes fantasizing about Kyle Shanahan last week. In a football sense, not a sexual sense.
  6. Kansas City Chiefs, 6-2 (LR: 11) Jesse – Stop trying to get me to admit that teams I hate are good, ESPN. It’s not going to work.
  7. Denver Broncos, 6-3 (LR: 3) Kevin – Seriously, 7th? Behind the Raiders and the Chiefs? Did Jesse make these rankings up just to piss me off? *Checks ESPN* No…no he did not.
  8. Cincinnati Bengals, 3-4-1 (LR: 13) Jesse – So ESPN is saying that that 24 teams in the league would lose to the Bengals if they played this weekend. 24 TEAMS. TO THE BENGALS. WHO HAVE 3 WINS! Jesus, how shitty is the NFL this year?
  9. Pittsburgh Steelers, 4-4 (LR: 8) Kevin – Okay, Big Ben is back, we can start ranking the Steelers again. Apparently Big Ben is 2-6 in games he comes back from injury. The most shocking part is he’s had 8 games where he came back from injury! Is this dude made of paper mache?
  10. Minnesota Vikings, 5-3 (LR: 7) Jesse – Alright guys, I’m not defending the Vikings anymore. Will you stop calling me a Vikings fan now? No? Alright, well can I at least meet Adrian Peterson then? That would be dope.
  11. Green Bay Packers, 4-4 (LR: 5) Kevin -This is incredibly depressing. Only one of the teams from 8-11 is above .500! Can we just let the Pats win the Super Bowl and call it a season?
  12. New York Giants, 5-3 (LR: 22) Jesse – Here come the Giants, hovering around .500 and getting ready for their third tour through the playoffs that culminates in taking another Lombardi trophy away from Belichick and Brady. I will never, ever get tired of seeing that movie.
  13. Washington Redskins, 4-3-1 (LR: 15) Kevin – Look at Washington’s schedule and tell me if we can really expect them to get 3 more wins. I say the Bears and Giants and that’s it.
  14. Detroit Lions, 5-4 (LR: 21) Jesse – “The Lions are 5-4 this season, which in itself is unremarkable.” I don’t know, I think it’s pretty damn remarkable that the Lions even got to five wins without Megatron. No, I’m not ditching the Vikings for the Lions. I swear.
  15. Baltimore Ravens, 4-4 (LR: 20) Kevin – Did this entire league replace their head coaches with Jeff Fisher clones? Because I’m seeing a lot of .500 football around here.
  16. Arizona Cardinals, 3-4-1 (LR: 12) Jesse – Did ESPN finally give up on forcing the Cardinals into the top 10? It may seem that way at first glance, but if they win their fourth game this weekend? I mean, I wouldn’t get comfortable up there if I were the Steelers or Vikings.
  17. San Diego Chargers, 4-5 (LR: 14) Kevin – Seriously look at all of these records. Are NFL games even happening anymore or do we just flip a coin now?
  18. Philadelphia Eagles, 4-4 (LR: 10) Jesse – Now that the Eagles have started bottoming out, I told Kevin that I’m not an Eagles fan anymore. He didn’t want to let me off the hook until I convinced him that it’s something that real Eagles fans would do, then he approved it. Actually, I lied. That conversation never took place. But as far as you guys are concerned, I’m not an Eagles fan anymore. Screw those losers.
  19. Houston Texans, 5-3 (LR: 17) Kevin – Poor Texans are lumped behind all these teams with non winning records. Wait, what am I saying? I hate the Texans, I feel no pity.
  20. New Orleans Saints, 4-4 (LR: 19) Jesse – So the Saints have a great offense and a terrible defense. You’d think that would be a great matchup for the Broncos, considering they are pedestrian on offense and great on defense. But then you realize we have no running game, Kyle Orton 2.0 at quarterback and a rash of injuries on defense and well… you saw how that worked out against the Raiders. Come on, Broncos, show me something this weekend. Anything.
  21. Buffalo Bills, 4-5 (LR: 18) Kevin – Two straight losses, four straight wins, three straight losses. There’s a pattern here somewhere, I just know it!
  22. Indianapolis Colts, 4-5 (LR: 25) Jesse – Can we fast forward to the year when Andrew Luck gives the Colts the middle finger and signs with the Broncos? I’m okay with simulating the next 5-10 years of my life to make that happen.
  23. Tennessee Titans, 4-5 (LR: 23) Kevin – Whoa whoa whoa, who are the Titans and how did they win four games? Seriously, is this a real team? I never heard of them before.
  24. Carolina Panthers, 3-5 (LR: 16) Jesse – Honestly, it’s been kind of hard to rip on ESPN for this because they are hardly saying anything stupid. Someone else made an acceptance speech the other night and I thought the same thing. In both cases, it’s definitely not going to last.
  25. Miami Dolphins, 4-4 (LR: 28) Kevin – Okay I am thoroughly convinced that Goodell made a win stimulus and gifted every team with four wins each because how they hell do the Dolphins have four wins?
  26. New York Jets, 3-6 (LR: 27) Jesse – So Kevin picked the Jets in our Madden franchise and it took him all of two games before he dumped Ryan Fitzpatrick. I’m guessing that Todd Bowles wishes it were that easy to do in real life.
  27. Los Angeles Rams, 3-5 (LR: 24) Kevin – Every team in the NFL is playing .500 level football. Except the Rams who are playing worse. What the hell Jeff Fisher? This was your year!
  28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers, 3-5 (LR: 26) Jesse – Phew, I only got one of the crappy Florida teams this week. You have to appreciate the little things in life.
  29. Chicago Bears, 2-6 (LR: 29) Kevin – The Bears suck but they don’t suck enough to out suck the Niners and Browns for a better draft pick. That sucks.
  30. San Francisco 49ers, 1-7 (LR: 31) Jesse – The 49ers may give up 3,000 rushing yards this season and Michigan may go undefeated. 49ers fans probably don’t like being reminded about that, but baseball season is over so I have to move on from my Giants jokes.
  31. Jacksonville Jaguars, 2-6 (LR: 30) Kevin – Jesse took the Jaguars over in our Madden franchise. And unlike my poor showing with the Jets, he is actually doing a good job. Screw you Jaguars and screw you Jesse.
  32. Cleveland Browns, 0-9 (LR: 32) Jesse – Why does it feel like Cleveland’s chances of losing out should be a lot higher than 15 percent? Would anyone be surprised if that happened? By the way, if you ever run into Kevin, ask him for his opinion on Browns fans. He’ll love that. (Kevin’s edit: If you do that I’ll just let you kick me in the nuts and then I’ll give you $500. And then I will ask you to kick me in the nuts 15 more times and I’ll give you $500 each time. That’s how I see Browns fans.)

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