Power Ranking Ramblings: Week 11

Welcome back to another edition of our Power Ranking Ramblings. It’s been a weird season, everyone, and it doesn’t appear that we are going to see a return to normalcy anytime soon. Dallas and Oakland are two of the league’s best teams? There’s a game in Mexico City this week? Jeff Fisher is finally playing the top overall pick even though Case Keenum would definitely get the Rams to 7-9? Crazy I tell ya!

Kevin and I don’t understand it any more than you do, but that doesn’t mean we’re going to stop rambling about how awful both the league as a whole and ESPN’s power rankings have been this year. As always, you can double check to make sure we aren’t making any of this up…

http://www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/id/18044652/nfl-2016-week-11-power-rankings-dallas-cowboys-seattle-seahawks-new-england-patriots

…and then see if you like our version better. Thanks for reading!

  1. Dallas Cowboys, 8-1 (Last ranked 2) Jesse – Two questions: 1) How much does Dallas want for their offensive line and 2) Does Romo getting Drew Bledsoe’d mean that Dak Prescott is the next Tom Brady? Because the Cowboys don’t need any more Super Bowls, people. Jerry Jones’ trophy case and ego are already both way too big.
  2. Seattle Seahawks, 6-2-1 (LR: 4) Kevin – The Seahawks beat the Patriots and ESPN is back on the Seattle bandwagon. This is like your friend who is always dating two dudes and goes back and forth between them for years until the two dudes get in a fight and your friend backs the winner. Don’t worry Patriots, I’m sure you’ll get a chance to win ESPN back eventually.
  3. New England Patriots, 7-2 (LR: 1) Jesse – So apparently the Pats are still the favorite to win the Super Bowl this year. In related news, water is wet and Pop Tarts apparently are not a nutritious breakfast. That didn’t stop me from eating two this morning though.
  4. Denver Broncos, 7-3 (LR: 7) Kevin – I have a confession to make. I missed Sunday’s game at the Superdome. In my defense it’s because I didn’t realize it was an early game. Also, I fell asleep last week during the Raiders game because it was a Sunday night game and here on the east coast those go on past midnight sometimes. Of course this week is the Broncos bye so I won’t get another shot to watch my Broncos until November 27th! But that game was flexed to Sunday Night so let’s be honest here, I won’t see Broncos football until December.
  5. Kansas City Chiefs, 7-2 (LR: 6) Jesse – The only thing worse than the Raiders being in first place is the Chiefs being in first place. On second thought, they are equally shitty realities. No wonder it’s all gloomy in Denver today.
  6. Oakland Raiders, 7-2 (LR: 3) Kevin – Monday Night Football against Houston in Mexico? Good thing Texans fans are used to getting screwed over by a QB named Carr.
  7. Atlanta Falcons, 6-4 (LR: 5) Jesse – “Atlanta will undoubtedly work on its pass defense while on bye this week.” Are you sure ESPN? Maybe they’ll say fuck it and just focus on scoring 50 points a game the rest of the year. That’s more or less what I have done in my Madden franchise with Kevin.
  8. Philadelphia Eagles, 5-4 (LR: 18) Kevin – What? How did the Eagles get back in the top ten? Is Jesse working for ESPN?
  9. Pittsburgh Steelers, 4-5 (LR: 9) Jesse – Once again, ESPN believes that an AFC North team with a losing record would beat around 75 percent of the rest of the league if they played this weekend. We won’t get much of a chance to test that belief, unfortunately, because the Steelers are playing the Browns.
  10. Arizona Cardinals, 4-4-1 (LR: 16) Kevin – “The Cardinals are 3-1-1 in their past five games, but two of those wins came against the 49ers…” and the other win came against the Jets. And their other win was against the Bucs. So if you beat the Niners, Jets and Bucs you are a top ten team? This bar is set real low.
  11. Washington Redskins, 5-3-1 (LR: 13) Jesse – So Washington is 4-0 against teams with winning records, which means they are 1-3-1 against the struggling teams. If that’s not playing down to your competition, I don’t know what is.
  12. Detroit Lions, 5-4 (LR: 14) Kevin – Damn, if only this team had a once in a generation talent lining up at wide receiver. Too soon?
  13. Baltimore Ravens, 5-4 (LR: 15) Jesse – I’m no Ravens fan, but they are four spots lower than the Steelers, even though they have a better record and beat the Steelers last time they played. Sure, that makes sense.
  14. Houston Texans, 6-3 (LR: 19) Kevin – Monday Night Football against Oakland in Mexico? Good thing Texans fans are used to getting screwed over by a QB named Carr…Did I use that one already?
  15. Minnesota Vikings, 5-4 (LR: 10) Jesse – “You don’t understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am.” – Sam Bradford, probably
  16. New York Giants, 6-3 (LR: 12) Kevin -They’re 6-3 and have the Bears and the Browns next? Look out top ten.
  17. Miami Dolphins, 5-4 (LR: 25) Jesse – Look Kevin, one of the crappy Florida teams broke into the top 20! We always said this day would come and it’s here!
  18. Cincinnati Bengals, 3-5-1 (LR: 8) Kevin – “In fairness to the Bengals, they’ve lost to the Steelers, Broncos, Cowboys, Patriots and Giants…” In fairness? What? Power rankings aren’t about fair ESPN! Do your job and call a spade a spade!
  19. Tennessee Titans, 5-5 (LR: 23) Jesse – Watching the Titans lately (for some reason their games keep airing here in Denver) has made me wonder if I made a mistake by picking the Jaguars instead of them for Madden. Then I remember that Madden has little bearing in reality as I led the Jaguars to a 5-1 start. My next game? A showdown with the Titans. My head may explode over this one.
  20. New Orleans Saints, 4-5 (LR: 20) Kevin – Look, my homerism is going to reveal itself here but can we all shut the hell up about whether Will Parks stepped a centimeter out of bounds? How can anyone look at that amazing, remarkable, one of a kind play and have the balls to say he might have technically grazed a white blade of grass. Get out of your own asses people. It’s a game.
  21. Buffalo Bills, 4-5 (LR: 21) Jesse – “The Bills are on a three-game losing streak despite scoring exactly 25 points in each game. That’s tied for the longest losing streak in NFL history in which the losing team scored at least 25 points in each of those games, according to Elias.” Thanks for that little drop of sunshine, ESPN. – Sincerely, the People of Buffalo.
  22. Green Bay Packers, 4-5 (LR: 11) Kevin – “The Packers are under .500 through nine games for the first time since 2008” but only one game behind the division lead. 2016 is weird.
  23. San Diego Chargers, 4-6 (LR: 17) Jesse – I’m not sure how a bye week is going to help the Chargers not suck so much in the fourth quarter. Is Philip Rivers going to make Mike McCoy “disappear” and bring in a coach who actually has a clue of what he’s doing? That’s the only thing I can think of.
  24. Carolina Panthers, 3-6 (LR: 24) Kevin – “Cam Newton has been blitzed on 44 percent of dropbacks this season, and he’s posting a career-low 55 Total QBR against the blitz” Hmm it’s like a certain team revealed Superman’s kryptonite on national television or something. I wonder who did that?
  25. Tampa Bay Buccaneers, 4-5 (LR: 28) Jesse – Well, at least one forgettable Florida team is making something of their lives, right Kevin?
  26. Los Angeles Rams, 4-5 (LR: 27) Kevin – “…the Rams are 2-1 this season when scoring fewer than 10, with the rest of the NFL going 0-13-2 in such games” That is some 7-9 shit if I have ever seen it.
  27. Indianapolis Colts, 4-5 (LR: 22) Jesse – Andrew Luck should be healthy enough after his bye week to withstand the epic beating he is about to receive this weekend. If it makes you feel any better Andrew, I seriously doubt that my virtual offensive line will be able to block the Titans either.
  28. New York Jets, 3-7 (LR: 26) Kevin – The real life Jets are way worse than my terrible Madden Jets. At least I have that going for me.
  29. Chicago Bears, 2-7 (LR: 29) Jesse – Try as hard as you want, Bears. You are not going to out-tank the Browns for the first pick in the draft.
  30. Jacksonville Jaguars, 2-7 (LR: 31) Kevin – Damn, I really thought I was going to avoid all of the forgettable Florida teams. But Jesse left me with the most forgettable one of them all.
  31. San Francisco 49ers, 1-8 (LR: 30) Jesse – Um, Kap will need more than a complete game to beat the Pats, ESPN. He’ll probably have to drug Tom Brady’s pregame meal and force Bill Belichick to use tablets the whole game. Then maybe he’ll get close to a win.
  32. Cleveland Browns, 0-10 (LR: 32) Kevin – “If the Browns lose again, they’ll fall to 0-11 for the first time in franchise history.” All Cleveland fans right now, “Hey we’ve never fallen to 0-11 in franchise history! That means we are totally going to win on Sunday!” because Browns fans are idiots.

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