Welcome back to Pegboards’ Walking Dead Death Rankings!
Jesse and I have been doing these rankings since season 3. Why? I really have no clue. I guess they keep us mildly entertained while we are stuck watching a show that is mostly disappointing every week.
My initial vision for the rankings was to provide comedic commentary on a show where lots of people die. Unfortunately the rate of death on this show is probably the same rate of how often our jokes make someone laugh. Very low.
With that in mind, we are going to switch things up slightly. Instead of forcing ourselves to write a joke for every single meaningless character we encounter on the show every single week, we will only provide commentary on characters we actually have something to say. Which means if Tara is ranked #5 we no longer have to beat a dead horse and ask where the hell she is. We can just ignore her. Just like the writers of the show have.
In addition we are adding a new way to score points. Walker kills. Yes, that’s right, we are now going to individually rank each and every Walker that roams the world of The Walking Dead. No, no, I’m just kidding. You can put the gun down Jesse. We are simply going to guess how many Walkers will get killed each episode. Whomever gets closest that week gets…I don’t know, 5 points that week. And whomever gets closest for the season gets…10 points. This way we can ensure the point total is moving along instead of staying stagnant.
With that in mind please let us know if you have any feedback or ideas to improve this weekly article in the comments below! Or just say ‘hi’. That would be really nice of you.
(Remember, every week Jesse and Kevin will provide rankings based on who they think will die next. The further down the list, the more likely they are to die. They get points based on where the character is on our list. For instance, if Rick dies this week then I will have four points and Jesse will have two points.)
Click here to catch up on our previous hilarious insights.
Click below to see our score. Warning: TV spoilers start now (no comic spoilers):
Jesse 39 Kevin 39, As Negan elegantly put it, “So, nobody died.”
Walker Deaths- 2…why only 2? I have no idea.
- Judith- It’s the first time I don’t technically have to say something about Judith but we just confirmed a huge previously unanswered question. Judith is not Rick’s daughter. She is the spawn of Shane. You know, the man that Rick murdered. Get this girl in therapy ASAP.
- Rick- So Rick had to escort Negan around while he slipped his dick down everyone’s throats? Does Michonne know about this weird fetish of Rick’s?
- Jesus- I think I saw Jesus! Not in a pancake or anything. But in next week’s preview.
- Maggie- For a minute I actually thought I fell asleep and Maggie had died in a previous episode. I was actually relieved for the poor girl.
- King Ezekiel
- Michonne- Remember when Michonne was alone with two walkers on a leash? That was less crazy than her new boyfriend right? Maybe she should dip out soon.
- Negan- Negan reminds me of a character from Westworld. I apologize if you haven’t watch the show yet but you definitely should. In Westworld people attend a “theme park” made up of robotic but lifelike people. They can play poker with the robots, kill the robots, and even have sex with the robots. The way Negan walks around in Alexandria, cracking jokes and threatening people, makes it seem like he’s just playing a game in a realistic theme park world. Like he’s a paid patron who is free to kill, fuck and scare whomever he wants.
- Daryl- I often make fun of Daryl for never speaking. But this week Negan did it for me. After Rick asks for Daryl to stay Negan denies the request unless Daryl can pleade his case. Negan turns to Daryl. And what does Daryl say? Nothing. Can’t say nothing.
- Dwight- Apparently Dwight’s in on the “Daryl never says anything” joke because he tells Daryl that he can have his bike back if Daryl just says the word. And again, nothing.
- Rosita- Hey remember when Rick told everyone to not hide any guns because Negan will find out and will kill you for it? And what is Rosita doing? Hiding a gun. Bye bye Rosita.
- Father Gabriel- “Holy crap. You are freaky as shit” said Negan to the menacing Father Gabriel. This was my favorite moment of the series. No joke.
- Spencer– I have a confession to make. This whole time I thought Spencer was named Gregory. I don’t know how this happened. But in my defense even Negan asked, “Who is this guy anyway?” in the past episode while pointing towards
- Gregory- So who is Gregory for real? He’s that guy that leads that one group of people that Jesus is with. And he apparently makes an appearance next episode.
Walker deaths- Five. Because reasons.
- Judith- Rick reminiscing about Shane actually made me wish that Shane was still around. Of course if I want to see Jon Bernthal kick ass and talk trash, I can just go rewatch season 2 of Daredevil. Which you should do if you haven’t.
- Rick- For the first time since this started, Rick has no contingency plan whatsoever. Zip. Nada. He’s resigned to his situation and looks like he’s just gonna try and make the best of it. Sorry Michonne. Your boyfriend isn’t as edgy and cool as he used to be.
- Daryl- Dammit Daryl. You let Negan and Dwight give you the full Theon Greyjoy treatment. You never go full Theon.
- John Connor Carl- That’s right Carl! Stick it to the man! Fight the machine!
- Dwight- So is Dwight crushing on Rosita now? The dude just got divorced so it’s all good if he is, but be careful man. She’s making that bullet for either you or Negan.
- King Ezekiel-
- Negan- Did Negan raid Rick’s supply of Just for Men? I mean Rick isn’t using it, so go crazy Negan.
- Father Gabriel- Sorry Gabe, it looks like no one in the apocalypse likes you. You remind me of David Otunga. No one likes him either but the WWE finds a way to keep him on our television every week.
- Michonne- I get that Michonne is super upset and was maybe a little rusty with a rifle, but she had a freaking scope! How hard was that? At least we got to see her sword again.
- Jesus- Oh my god, that’s… that’s Jesus’ music!
- Aaron- Hey Aaron’s boyfriend is still alive! Finally some good news. Now if anyone could figure out what happened to Tara…
- Eugene- Again, it floors me that Eugene didn’t offer his skills as a bullet maker much sooner. You’d think that’s something that you’d want people to know so they’d keep you around.
- Gregory– Man this whole time I thought Gregory was Spencer. You can really convince yourself of anything if you believe in it enough.
- Spencer – Oh that’s right. Spencer is Deanna’s son. And he’s a total douche.